Hating God

I wrote this about 7 years ago. I post it here



Ive had some shocking realizations about resentment over the last 6 months I would like to share. Although I did a fourth step years ago and was as honest as I could be, there were several important resentments I missed that I wasnt even aware of.I want to share these on this
weblog for whatever benefit they may be towards you. I assure I went through great pain to find these truths.

Was resentment of God on your fourth step list, or do you resent God? Well, it wasnt on mine either, but should have been. This last year I developed a deep resentment towards a "Christian" who ran off with my fiancee. I couldnt shake the resentment even though I am well schooled in how dangerous they are. It went on for months. What I came to realize was that the resentment had several components. Not only was I resenting the person for what he had done ,I was also resenting my Conscience for telling me I was wrong for resenting the person. It was kind of confusing to me and I experienced it all as big ball of resentment while it was happening and couldnt see that the resentment had 2 elements to it. A really good friend showed me that I was resenting my conscience as well as the person, and I was glad to see error (and I started getting better when I saw this).

Resenting ones conscience is tantamount to hating God, since our conscience is our link to him (The Great Reality is within as the Bible and the Big Book correctly state). I could also see other instances in my life where I had done the same thing.

Why would I resent my conscience? Isnt is because I want to play God by being a Judge and resent a power greater than me showing me the truth? Its humbling to realize what a damn fool youve been. I suggest that resentment of God ought to be on every fourth step of every alcoholic. Isnt that why we drank, because we hated the light within that was trying to show us ourselves? Pride or Ego (the desire to be #1- god) and resentment at the Spirit of Truth were surely at the root of my drinking and drug use.