Christian Testimonies deleted from Big Book

If you are a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, there is a good chance the only AA literature you know about is the Big Book, 3rd and 4th editions.

The following story appreared in the original Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.



SMILE WITH ME, AT ME
(by Harold Sears from Brooklyn, N.Y.)

AT THE age of eighteen I finished high school and during my last year there my studies were dropping away to be replaced by dancing, going out nights, and thinking of a good time as most of the boys of my age did. I secured a job with a well known telegraph company which lasted about a year, due to the fact I thought I was too clever for a $7.00 a week job which did not supply me with enough money for my pleasures, such as taking girls out, etc. I was not at all satisfied with my small wages.

Now, I was a very good violinist at the time and was offered jobs with some well known orchestras, but my parents objected to my being a professional musician although my last year in high school was mostly spent playing for dances and giving exhibition dances at most of the fraternity affairs. Now naturally I was far from satisfied with my seven dollars a week wages, so when I came across a boy neighbor of mine on the subway one night (by the way I read in the newspaper that this same boy died four days ago) he told me he was a host in a celebrated Restaurant and Cabaret, and that his salary ran $14.0 per week and he made $50.00 a week in tips. Well, think of being paid for dancing with the carefree ladies of the afternoon and receiving all that sum, and me working for only $7.00 per. The following day I went straight uptown to Broadway and never did go back to my old job.

This was the beginning of a long stretch of high-flying as I thought, only to find out when I was forty-one years old to be very low-flying. I worked in this restaurant until I was twenty-one, then we went into the world war. I joined the navy. My enlistment pleased the owner of my cabaret so much that he offered me a good job at the end of my federal service.

The day I walked in to his establishment with my release from active duty, he said, "You are my assistant manager from now on." Well, this pleased me as you can imagine and my hat from then on would not fit.

Now, all this time my taste for liquor was constantly growing although it was no habit and I had no craving. In other words, if I had a date and wanted a drink with the girl friend I would, otherwise I would not think of it at all.

In six months time I found I was too good for this job and a competitive restaurateur, or a chain of the best well-known night clubs offered me a better position which I accepted. This night life was starting to tell and show its marks and together with the slump in that sort of business at the time, I decided to apply for a job with a well known ballet master who drilled many choruses for Broadway shows.

I was this man's assistant and I really had to work very hard for the little money I received, sometimes twelve hours or more a day, but I got the experience and honor which was just what I was looking for. This was one time when my work interfered with my drinking. This job came to an end one evening when I was drinking quite heavily. A certain prominent actress inquired of Professor X, my boss, if I would be interested to sign an eighty week contract for a vaudeville tour. It seems she could use me as a partner in her act. Now, a very nice woman, Miss J. who was office clerk and pianist for the boss, overheard the conversation and told both Mr. X and Miss Z that I would not be interested.

On hearing this I went out and drank enough to cause plenty of trouble, slapping Miss J. and doing an all round drunk act in the studio.

This was the end of my high-flying among the white lights. I was only twenty-four years old and I came home to settle down; in fact I had to. I was broke both financially and in spirit.

Being a radio operator in the navy, I became interested in amateur radio. I got a federal license and made a transmitting radio set and would often sit up half the night trying to reach out all over the country. Broadcasting radio was just in its infancy then, so I began to make small receiving sets for my friends and neighbors. Finally I worked up quite a business and opened a store, then two stores, with eleven people working for me.

Now here is where Old Barleycorn showed his hidden strength. I found that in order to have a paying business I had to make friends, not the kind I was used to, but ordinary, sane, hard working people. In order to do this I should not drink, but I found that I could not stop.

I will never forget the first time I realized this. Every Saturday, my wife and I would go to some tavern. I would take a bottle of wine, gin, or the like, and we would spend an evening dancing, drinking, etc. (This was fourteen years ago.)

I was practically a pioneer in the radio business and that must account for people putting up with me as they did. However, within three years time I had lost both stores, I won't say entirely due to my drinking, but at least if I had been physically and mentally fit, I could have survived and kept a small business going.

Now from this time up to about a year ago, I drifted from one job to another. I peddled brushes, did odd jobs such as painting, and finally got established with a well known piano company as assistant service manager.

Then came the big crash of 1929 and this particular company abolished their radio department. For two years I worked for one of my old competitors who owned a radio store. He put up with my drinking until I was in such a physical breakdown that I had to quit.

All this time my troubles at home were getting worse. My whole family blamed my failure on the alcoholic question and so the usual arguments would start the instant I came in the house. This naturally made me go out and drink some more. If I had no money, I would borrow, beg, or even steal enough for a bottle.

My wife fortunately went to business which was our only salvation. Our little boy was six years old at the time and due to the fact we needed someone to care for him during the day we moved in with my family. Now the trouble did start, because I not only had my wife to face every evening, but three of the elders of the family.

My wife did everything for me she possibly could. First she got in touch with a well known psychiatrist and I went faithfully to him for a few months. This particular doctor was such a nervous individual, I thought he had the St. Vitus' dance and I really thought he needed some kind of treatment more than I did. He advised hospitalization from three months to a year.

Well, this was all out of order as far as I was concerned. In the first place I had an idea that my wife wanted to put me away in a state institution where maybe I would be stuck for the rest of my life. In the second place, I wanted to go, if anywhere, to a private institution and that was far beyond our financial means. In the third place, I knew that that would be no cure, because I reasoned that it would be like taking candy out of a young child's reach. The instant I would come out a free man I would go right back to old Alky again. In this one thing I found out later I was perfectly right.

What I thought and wanted at the time was "not to want to want to take a drink." This phrase is a very important link in my story. I knew this could only be done by myself, but how could I accomplish it? Well, this was the main question.

The point was always that when I did drink, I wanted all the time not to, and that alone wasn't enough. At the time I felt like a drink, I did not want to take it at all, but I had to, it seemed. So if you can grasp what I mean, I wished I would not want that drink. Am I nuts, or do you get me?

To get back to the doctor. If anything, these visits made me worse, and worst of all, everyone told me I wanted to drink and that was all there was to that. After going to as many as six or eight other doctors, some of my own friends advised my wife to make her plans for the future as I was a hopeless case, had no backbone, no will power, and would end up in the gutter.

Well, here I was, a man with much ability, a violinist, a radio engineer, a ballet master, and at this point took up hair dressing, so that added one more to the list. Can you beat it? I knew there must be some way out of all this mess. Everyone told me to stop my drinking, but none could tell me how, until I met a friend and believe me he turned out to be a true friend, something I never had until this past year.

One morning, after one of my escapades, my wife informed me I was to go with her to a public hospital or she would pack up and leave with our boy. My father, being a physician for forty years, put me in a private New York hospital. I was there ten days and was put in physical shape, and above everything else put on the right path to recovery and happiness.

My friend first asked me if I really wanted to stop drinking, and if I did, would I do anything no matter what it was in order to? I knew there was only one thing left to do if I wished to live and not enter an insane asylum where I knew I would eventually wind up.

Making up my mind that I would, he said, "Fine." And went on to explain the simple steps to take. After spending an hour or two with me that day he returned two days later and went into the subject more thoroughly. He explained he had been in the same hospital with the same malady and after taking these steps after his discharge, had not taken a drink in three years and also there were about sixty others that had this same experience. All these fellows got together on Sunday evenings and brought their wives and everybody spent a very pleasant time together.

Well, after I met all these people, I was more than surprised to find a very interesting, sociable, and friendly crowd. They seemed to take more interest in me than all of my old fraternity brothers or Broadway pals had ever done.

There were no dues or expenses whatsoever. I went along for about fourteen weeks, partly keeping these ideas, and so one afternoon I thought it would do no harm to take a couple of drinks and no more. Saying to myself, "I have this thing in hand now, I can be a moderate drinker." Here I made a fatal mistake. After all my past experience, again I thought I could handle the situation only to find out one week later it was the same old thing. I repeated the same thing over again and another week again.

Finally I was back at the hospital, although I went under protest. My wife had expected to take two weeks vacation in the country with me, but instead had to use this money for the hospital expenses. During my one week stay, I held this as a grudge against her. The result was I got drunk three days after I was discharged from the hospital. And she left me for two weeks. During this period of time I drank heavily, being upset not only over her absence, but perfectly at sea as to how I could ever get back on my feet and make a new start again.

There was no mistake about it there was something that I failed to do in those simple steps. So I carefully went over each day as best I could since my first drink after the fourteen weeks of sobriety, and found I had slipped away from quite a few of some of the most important things which I should do in order to keep sober.

Certainly I was down now - ashamed to face my new friends - my own family giving me up as lost and everyone saying, "The system didn't work, did it?"

This last remark was more than too much for me. Why should this fellowship of hard working fellows be jeopardized by me? It worked for them. As a matter of fact, not one who has kept faithfully to it has ever slipped.

One morning, after a sleepless night worrying over what I could do to straighten myself out, I went to my room alone - took my Bible in hand and asked Him, the One Power, that I might open to a good place to read - and I read. "For I delight in the law of God after the inward man. But I see a different law in my members, warring against the law of my mind and bringing me into captivity under the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me out of the body of this death?"

That was enough for me - I started to understand. Here were the words of Paul a great teacher. What then if I had slipped? Now, I could understand.

From that day I gave, still give and always will give time everyday to read the word of God and let Him do all the caring. Who am I to try to run myself or anyone else?

searchable online big book

Here is a link to an online searchable Big Book. You might find it useful. By providing the link, it is not an endorsement of all the ideas in the Big Book.


LINK

Especially, watch out for idea that "Alcoholism" is a disease. It isn't and never was.

googleb6e63780fd6759fc.html

googleb6e63780fd6759fc.html

The Useful Lie

Over the last 30 years, I have read a lot of books on recovery. All the AA books and literature, the NA basic text, Stanton Peeles books, Herbert Finagerette book on "Heavy Drinking", as well as Dick B.'s books on AA history.


However, I think the best book I have read about alcoholism/addiction is a small booklet called "The Useful Lie" by William Playfair. It is a very simple clearly written book and almost without exception the information contained within it is true. Here is an excerpt from the book below as well as a link to it.

LINK


"So it is with the addiction recovery industry. I have no doubts about the sincere intentions and well-meaning efforts of many who work in this area. Most really do want to help the alcoholic and the drug addict and may sacrifice a great deal to do so. As it turns out, however, their efforts are seriously misguided.

Surprising as it may seem, the recovery industry, as a whole, is not helping, but actually hurting the people it is trying to help" excertpt from The Useful Lie by Willian Playfair ,M.D.

A good summary of modern AA by an AA member

I couldnt have said it better myself.

***************************************************************************­************************

LINK



The Code of Silence: Why does AA try hide it's origins?


On February 3rd, 1990 I attended my first AA meeting. I was not to
drink alcohol or do drugs from that day on, and I remain sober to this
day.


I was in my mid-twenties and had never been to any 12-step program in
my life. I was looking for help and just didn't know where to go. A
friend suggested I go and check out this meeting. He had told me these
people helped him with the same problems I described to him. I had no
idea what I was walking into. Little did I know it would be a blessing
and a curse.


Looking back, I guess it was the appearance of a bond within the group
that attracted me. The people seemed very close and loving towards one
another. As time went on, I attended the suggested 90 meetings in 90
days. I had made a fresh start in my life, and was achieving some
progress. My first six months were a time of awakening and radical
shifts in my life. I could sense a renewing of my mind and body.


I always love to poor myself into whatever I am doing in my life. I
wish to know all I can about whatever things I participate in, and AA
would be no different. I studied all the books and literature that were
available. This was the beginning of the end.


As I studied the available literature, I learned a great deal about the
founders and as well as the Christian history of AA. As I read and
learned, I would share this newfound info and its impact in meetings. I
had also met a woman in an Alano club and started dating her. I greatly
enjoyed learning and thinking again. My reasoning was simple--if the
founders of the program created it, they surely would reveal the goals
and secrets of this 12-step magic. The flowing opinions and rumors
roaming about were plentiful. So I studied and searched. During this
time, I had received a very intense lack of support from within the
fellowship. At times, I was warned that thinking could get me drunk.
This concept confused and angered me. Thinking was bad, wrong and
destructive? I quickly was forced to find a rebuttal for this attack. I
would reply, all thinking can't be bad; I think the 12-steps helped me,
so how can thought be bad?


At the same time, I was warned that a relationship with this woman
would most likely end in my return to the alcohol or drugs. It seemed I
was going against the grain and I just got started.


By this time, I had a year sober and was still moving on with my
reading and my relationship with my girlfriend. I had started reading
the Bible. I saw in some of the history texts that the founders read
the Bible often as a source of inspiration. So why shouldn't I read it?
I had never read it before, so I did. As time went on in my
relationship, my girlfriend and I talked a lot about spiritual issues.
Morality, honesty, dignity, willingness and commitment were always
spoken about with high regard in meetings. However, as I shared my
newfound source of inspiration--the Bible-- in the fellowship and
meetings, I was met with hostility. On one hand, members of the
fellowship would state whatever works, yet on the other hand many
seemed angry at what worked for me. I now felt unwelcome, and was often
challenged about my beliefs.


I took some college classes on philosophy, critical thinking and logic.
I found that I really enjoyed learning and expanding my mind. But this
opened Pandora's box as well. As time went on, and I began to utilize
my new thinking and logic skills, I began to hear many self-defeating
notions coming from within the fellowship. I was also the butt of much
anger.


One man, who once helped me at my beginning of sobriety, now angrily
attacked my way of thinking and spiritual foundation. The irony was
that I had merely adopted the same Christian foundation as the
founders. It was simple; God was the source for sobriety and change.


My girlfriend and I were getting closer and talked a lot about the
insanity within the fellowship. Things such as doorknobs, the group and
anything could be "termed" God. I was in love and happy with my life.
When I did spend time around the fellowship, I saw that my lack of
attendance of meetings was met with skepticism. I had a good job and
was busy with school. Time was a rare commodity. Yet it was even
suggested to me that I would drink again if my meeting attendance were
kept so low. This confused me, for I was happy, in love, working and
learning. I never stopped sharing hope with newly sober people and
those in need of help. My girlfriend and I helped people whenever we
could.


The longer I was sober and the more I listened, the more I saw that the
fellowship had this groupthink type mentality. I no longer was stating
meaningless phrases. I was giving thought to what I said.


I had stumbled onto a copy of the original manuscript of the Big Book
and studied that. Since I was on the board of directors of this Alano
club I frequented, I suggested that we print and distribute this
manuscript, which was very direct and was not watered down. It also was
not edited as the current edition was. My position was that we should
have any literature for sale at our private club that might enhance
knowledge and understanding of our fellowship. We agreed to think it
over and meet the following week. Much to my surprise, when we met that
following week, four representatives from AAWS (Alcoholics Anonymous
World Services) corporate headquarters were there to speak. My
girlfriend was downstairs and waited patiently.


This wasn't happening, this couldn't be happening. Right before my eyes
these representatives were suggesting this information was harmful and
not to be distributed. In logic, we call this form of argument ad
misericordian. They were appealing to the sympathy of the newcomer to
the board. I was still in shock that these trusted servants would
attend a private meeting at a private club and use their status as a
means to accomplish their task.


The other board members quickly were subdued by the assumed
authoritative positions. But I was not. This was a private club under
its own bylaws and private charter. This group of representatives had
no authority in matters dealing with the activities and actions of this
club. Nonetheless, before my eyes, they molded the minds of the members
using fear of outcast from AAWS.


After the meeting, I confronted the group and told them they were in
violation of their own traditions. After we debated some issues, when
their arguments no longer held up, they asked me if I would consider
becoming a representative. They said they needed people like me. To
this day, I find this amusing.


At the same time all this conflict was going on, my relationship with
my girlfriend was having some troubles. It seemed as if my world in AA
was crashing down. I didn't have the desire to drink or use drugs; this
was the furthest thing from my mind. But I started to see things I
never had before. I started to see friends move from one woman to the
next within the same circle of friends. It seemed very odd to me that
they didn't sense a conflict on interest, that no one seemed to mind.
In fact, this behavior was widely accepted amongst the group. It was
type of "wife swapping" in a new way. One of my mentors termed it a
form of "incest". This made sense to me, considering that relationships
with people outside of this group were almost nonexistent. My
girlfriend even commented on this immorality from time to time.


At one point, I saw myself as an outsider. I didn't think like the
group, I didn't act like the group and I didn't share in the
group-philosophy. It seemed everything they held as sacred was spoken
from within the group itself. The literature contradicted what I was
seeing and hearing in the fellowship. The only conclusion I was left
with was that the fellowship was something other than what the
literature spoke about. In my mind, there was no doubt this was a rumor
driven fellowship, ignorant of its foundation. When I realized this,
all hell broke loose.


I could no longer deny the fact that the more time I had under my belt
sober, the more I saw unhealthy behavior and reasoning amongst my
peers. I saw the notion of being powerless taken to the extreme. The
claim that meetings were important was only coming from within the
meetings. Types of circular reasoning based on superstition ran
rampant. A radical anti-intellectual theme coupled with moral silence
filled the fellowship. There was this silent agreement amongst the
group, raised to an eerie level. No matter what the conduct of a
member, no one ever spoke up. At four years sober, reality met me face
to face.


In my relationship with my girlfriend I also noticed odds things
happening. It wasn't until I started asking leading questions to others
in the group that I came to the truth. We had troubles, but I assumed
nothing abnormal or out of the ordinary for couples. But I learned she
had engaged in two affairs with two men from the group. These two men
not only were regular members of this group, but I knew them on a first
name basis. This was not fatal in and of itself, what made matters
worse was the fact that specific members knew this behavior was going
on and said nothing to me. It was all placed under the notion It's none
of my business. I also saw her being lovingly accepted as a good
outstanding member of the group because she was an alcoholic. This is
the great moral code of silence in the groups today.


The news of these affairs were painful, but I did not drink over it.
But, while I sought compassion, all I received was concern about my
possible return to alcohol, an assumption that I was incapable of
feeling pain without drinking or using drugs. This was nothing short of
mere lunacy.


It is commonplace in meetings to hear about how someone did a wrong,
yet were celebrated because they didn't drink after doing that wrong.
The phrase still angers me today: But I didn't drink. The I didn't
drink over it mindset was applauded when my x-girlfriend shared about
her emotional turmoil. The true irony was that she induced her own
turmoil and was applauded for her abstinence.


I wish to assure you I have no anger towards AA or the fellowship; I
write out of concern for those engulfed in the 12-step subculture. In
all of my study and historical readings I have found one common theme.
Early AA was about bringing you back to society and living life, not
about creating a subculture and cult-like mentality to dwell in. So
even today you will find some within AA that deny its current trends.
It is akin to a civil war. No one seems to care. No one is listening.
The 75k yearly incomes of AAWS representatives, the contradictory
logic, the ignorance of history, the immorality, the self-defeating
notions of God and the control superstition has on them is meaningless
in the feeling-dominated culture they have created. They feel good and
that's all that matters. The goal is to feel good at any cost,
regardless of the reasoning and ramifications. Some in the fellowship
truly believe without the fellowship or meetings they will not survive.
Strange how it hasn't dawned on any of them that they heard that in a
meeting or from the fellowship itself.


May God bless and help those who are seeking recovery to become
healthy, moral and productive citizens once again.


Anonymous


Author's note: You are welcome to do as you wish with my article (that
includes gso.org). It is a gift. We should never run from truth, but
embrace it. If I can ever help an alcoholic, I will. This includes
dignity, truth and honor.